Save the Dates, Invitations & UN-vitations
Lately, I am hearing from a lot of my couples that they’re not sure what to do about their guest lists with the ever changing COVID restrictions, how to invite their guests, how many to invite, when to invite them, and how to uninvite guests! Different planners may have differing opinions on this but I’ve chatted with my circle of planners at length and we have been on the same page about most of it.
Save the Dates - if you are getting married this year and haven’t sent your Save the Dates yet because you’re wondering how many to send out, my advice is to pick your most ambitious number (within reason) and send them to that full list, but add a line either on the back or on an added details card with a blurb that says something along the lines of, “We are closely monitoring the COVID-19 situation and will keep you updated as things progress if we need to make any adjustments to the size of our celebration!” I say within reason because you can probably safely assume that gatherings this year won’t be massively increased from last summer, but you can make an assumption based on your city’s previous restrictions and reactions to case numbers. At PEI’s most lenient restrictions, we could have 3x50 person cohorts for weddings. I know it feels counterintuitive to invite people to only potentially subsequently uninvite them, but most people would probably feel better knowing you would have loved to include them in your celebrations had you been able to, than never know they were on your list.
As for invitations, I’ve been advising my clients to hold off on sending them until 2-3 months out from the wedding, so we can buy some time in hopefully being a bit more confident in what our gathering restrictions will be this summer. Normally we see our couples sending their invitations our 6-9 or even 12 months ahead of the wedding, but sending Save the Dates will allow you a bit of leeway to push this back. Just make sure you know when your venue and caterer need their head count, and then give your guests some time to respond, yourself some time to chase down the stragglers, and if you’re mailing the invitations, the mail system some time to do its work. For example, if your venue & caterer need one month, two weeks should be plenty for the mail, two weeks for your guests to respond and two weeks for you to follow up with anyone who hasn’t answered, which puts you around ten weeks before the wedding.
UNvitations are a generally new concept - if you were ever uninviting a guest beforehand, it’s likely it was due to a falling out or breakdown in the relationship of some sort, so it was either painfully obvious they were uninvited, they knew to RSVP “not attending” or it was just awkwardly swept under the rug. If you’re facing having to uninvite guests due to COVID, you’re not alone and try not to beat yourself up over it. The fact is that people understand - they know what’s going on and they’re likely expecting to hear from you. Anyone who is invited to a wedding right now knows the wedding is not a guarantee and guest counts are not set in stone. If they love you the way they should (because they’re invited to your wedding!!!) they should be happy for you that you’re still getting to celebrate, and while they may be sad they won’t be able to attend, they shouldn’t make you feel guilty for having to make the cut, so try not to take that on of your own accord. I have seen a handful of different actual paper “unvitations” that couples are sending to their cut guests, but don’t feel pressured to go that route unless it’s because it’s what feels right to you. A digital invitation or statement along the lines of, “We have had to make some difficult decisions regarding our wedding and adhering to COVID-19 guidelines, which has unfortunately meant our guest list has had to be reduced. Please accept our apologies for not being able to have you celebrate with us! We hope to celebrate with you personally once it is safer to do so.” Additionally, if you will be having some sort of live stream, you can soften the blow by letting them know you hope they’ll join you virtually as their presence is important to you. Each guest will require a judgement call, but some of your closer relationships may warrant a personal call if you can muster it. Whatever you do, try to concentrate on the positive rather than wallowing in the negative!
As a quick added note, I will say that I think wedding websites are more important now than ever, especially the ones like withjoy.com that have Save the Dates, Invitations and guest messaging available for free. It’s easier than ever to quickly and formally notify your guests of any changes - whether that be your guest list, date, location, or to provide any helpful information that everyone might need to know but may have missed on your details card or website.
xo Kristina